That faint crashing sound you heard sometime around 9 a.m. EST this morning wasn’t your next-door neighbor dropping a plate, or raccoons going through the aluminum cans in your trash.

Coming soon to a “Us Magazine” headline near you: these knuckleheads. (image courtesy of thecelebrityblog.com)

It was the collective psyche of footba-er, soccer fans worldwide plunging through the floor, as British pop phenomenon/tabloid fodder/soccer star David Beckham signed an approximately $250 million dollar deal to play for Major League Soccer’s Los Angeles Galaxy for the next five years. (Anyone who says A-Rod is overpaid may now officially shut the hell up.) The Galaxy didn’t give an exact figure as to what Beckham’s salary would be to actually play (league rules and the MLS salary cap prevent him from making too much from actually playing soccer), but the deal reportedly includes all kinds of endorsement possibilties that round the figure into the quarter-billion dollar range. Although the MLS season starts in April, he’ll join the team in August after his contract with Real Madrid runs out.

“Thanks for gettin’ me off the hook, Becks!” (image courtesy of tsn.ca)

Beckham, 31, reportedly turned down a two-year extension from Real Madrid to migrate to the United States. He only started five of a possible 25 games last season in Spain, and didn’t want to hurt his marketability by riding the pine any longer. The fact that Beckham’s wife, Victoria (a.k.a. Posh Spice, charter member of one of the worst vocal groups of all time, whose name I dare not speak lest the reunion tour be planned), has publicly wished to explore her own Hollywood opportunities for a long time had to figure into this deal strongly, as well. Pardon me if I rant for a quick second, but what opportunities does this woman have? She’s married to a soccer player, for Pete’s sake. “Being married to a soccer player in the United States” puts you just behind “being married to an NFL long snapper” in terms of your Q-rating.

Don’t hold your breath. No one takes pictures of long snappers. Go brush up on some history instead.

What does this mean for American soccer?

1. The Powers That Be in MLS are clearly happy being considered a minor league sideshow, as opposed to a real major soccer league. Its two biggest stars are a media-savvy benchrider from a real major league (Beckham) and a 17-year-old who’s got all the talent in the world, but until now was stuck under the thumb of his egomaniac coach (the recently-traded-to-Salt Lake Freddy Adu). You know Beckham is going to play in L.A. because of the money he’s due to make, but his skills have slipped… anyone who watched a fair amount of England’s team in the recent World Cup will tell you that. He was dropped from England’s national squad after an uneven five-game performance (one goal, two assists) in the world’s biggest sporting event.

2. Despite the painful reality that #1 may foretell, the resources obviously are in place for this game to be a much bigger deal in the United States than it is now. This league has a face now, and even though that face is past his prime and probably will be far more entertaining off the pitch than on it, if there was ever a time for MLS to introduce itself to the big boys, this is it. (I’ll try to be as optimistic as I can be before the opening weekend to the MLS season produces four scoreless, filled-to-the-brim-with-third-tier-talent ties. After that, all bets are off!)

3. I got five bucks that says the league’s 2007 slogan has the word “bend” in it.